Communication is hard. Add emotions, and sometimes you say something that hurts someone you love.
Then the guilt sets in. You replay the conversation again and again, and all you want is to make it right. But you’re scared of messing up the apology too.
Knowing how to apologize to someone you love is a skill that you can learn. A sincere apology can help you take responsibility, repair some of the hurt, and start moving forward together.
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How to Apologize to Someone You Love
We’re all learning every day. There is no marriage, parenting, or life book for us to follow. We’re all just houseplants with emotions, learning as we go. And part of learning means we’re going to make mistakes.
Apologizing shows others that we understand what happened, we take responsibility for our part, and we want to do better.
1. Apologize Because You Mean It
Has someone ever told you something you wanted to hear just to stop a conversation? It’s not a good feeling, is it? And that’s why apologizing when we mean it is more meaningful than a blanket apology.
When we become uncomfortable with a situation, we may offer a quick “I’m sorry” to stop the other person from being upset with us.
We want the conversation to end, the tension to ease, and the moment to pass. And our brains will offer up an apology to pacify the other person.
But just because we said “I’m sorry” doesn’t mean that we meant it. You should be apologizing because you want to change how you interact with the person in the future, and you care about having a healthy relationship with this person.
A sincere apology acknowledges where we made a mistake and shows how we plan on moving forward through our actions.
2. Don’t Shift the Blame
If you’ve ever heard the phrase “I know you are BUT what am I?”, you know how infuriating it is when the word “but” enters the chat.
“I’m sorry I yelled, but…” is the adult version of but what am I? The entire game is refusing to own anything and throwing it back at the other person until the statement goes nowhere.
The word “BUT” just keeps the conflict going until one of you gives up.
A good apology is about taking responsibility for your actions in the conflict, not winning an argument.
For example:
- NOT AN APOLOGY: I’m sorry I yelled, but you were being frustrating.
- APOLOGY: I’m sorry I yelled. I became frustrated. I’d like to do better next time.
Whatever else happened, your apology is about taking responsibility for your part. You can address how the other person’s actions affected your feelings (not actions) in a separate conversation.
Blame shifting causes the other person to become defensive and cheapens your words. Your apology may feel like a lie to the other person.
Remember, you get to feel your feelings in healthy ways, but your feelings are not allowed to dictate poor behavior.
You’re not admitting everything was your fault when you admit you behaved poorly. You’re admitting you’re learning and want to grow.
3. Acknowledge What You Did
As a kid, “because I said so” was maddening because it gave you a rule without the understanding behind it.
A vague apology can feel the same way.
”I’m sorry.”
Okay… for what?
Did you understand how I felt, what I felt was the problem, and what I needed in that moment?
Your parent’s vague reason and a vague apology have one thing in common: they’re both frustrating.
Be heartfelt and acknowledge your actions.
”I’m sorry that I yelled earlier when speaking to you. I got upset and instead of using my words to express my needs, I used the volume of my voice. That was inappropriate.”
Acknowledging your mistake in your apology helps the other person feel understood. It also provides a chance for them to express their own feelings to you about the conflict in a healthy way.
A clear apology shows the other person that you understand not only what you did, but why it hurt them.
4. Change Your Behavior After You Apologize
Imagine you’re late to work every morning because you don’t have an alarm. You apologize to your boss over and over, but every morning you’re late. At some point, he is going to tell you that he needs to see a change if he’s going to keep you. You go to the store, buy an alarm, and set it so you’re five minutes early every day.
Apologizing for being late doesn’t solve the problem. It’s acknowledging you know what the problem is. Setting the alarm, showing up on time, and putting in the effort is the fix in this instance.
It’s the same in your personal relationships.
Saying “I’m sorry” isn’t the fix, but changing your behavior is.
Your apology should state what you did and how you plan to do better.
”I’m sorry that I yelled at you when I was frustrated. When I start to feel this way again, I would like to ask for a break to manage my feelings first. Then I can come back and finish the conversation when I’m in a better headspace.“
What really shows you care about someone is doing your best to handle it differently next time. An apology that is not followed by actions is just pretty wrapping used to cover up a problem.
Your words can open the door, but changing your behavior is what proves you walked through it.
PRO TIP: Therapy can help you learn healthier ways to handle conflict, communicate your needs, and work through disagreements without yelling, blame, or shutting down. If you’re wondering whether it might be time for extra support, read Should I Go Back to Therapy?
5. Ask for Feedback After the Conflict
Learning to communicate is a skill just like learning to write. Practice matters, but feedback is what helps you improve.
You may think your apology landed, but without actually asking, you’re just assuming. And we all know what assumptions do… they make an ass out of you and me.
If you want to learn to communicate better than you are now, you need to ask the person you’re talking to. Why? So you’re not practicing poor communication skills that are keeping you stuck in old patterns.
Seriously, none of us enjoy having the same fight over and over. You just become faster at making the same mistakes when you don’t work on improvement.
Feedback shows you what you’re not able to see on your own. You may feel you were clear, but the other person may feel unheard, dismissed, interrupted, or misunderstood.
When is the best time to ask for feedback? When both people are calm enough to respond honestly and kindly without creating more resentment.
An alternative is to have a chat with someone you would like to practice communication skills with before there’s a problem. “Hey Jill, I want to practice communication skills with you. I’d like for both of us to feel heard and understood.”
How to Ask for Communication Feedback
- Ask where they felt the conversation went wrong
- Ask how your words made them feel
- Ask if you were clear or if they felt confused
- Ask them what message they heard
- Ask how they would have preferred you to say what you meant
- Ask whether saying it differently would have made your message clearer
Asking for feedback shows that you’re not just interested in “winning” an argument, but you are invested in a healthy relationship with that person.
RECOMMENDED READING: If you want to continue to improve your communication in relationships, read 10 Rules for a Happy Marriage. I share more about communication and conflict resolution habits that helped us build a healthier relationship over the years.
Optional Apology Gift Ideas That Feel Personal
Sometimes, after apologizing and making amends, we still want to do something extra to show we care.
An apology gift should be personalized to tell the person receiving it that you thought about them.
One small gesture that shows the person what they mean to you is far more meaningful than a flashy gift. Why? Because this is about opening your heart up to a person, not your wallet.
And while a gift is a nice gesture, it’s not always needed. And most importantly, it can NEVER replace an actual apology and changed behavior. An apology gift is like a cherry on top of a well-made apology sundae. It’s just a finishing touch.
Write an Apology Letter
When feelings are hard for you to speak out loud, a personal apology letter can help you really take your time and open your heart.
A personal apology letter should include all the steps of the apology, along with heartfelt emotion about why you want to repair the relationship.
It’s not love bombing the person or a space to defend your poor actions or words. An apology letter is a written statement meant to make amends. You take ownership of your words and actions, how they hurt this person, and what you will do differently in the future.
As a writer, this is my gift of choice while also offering a verbal apology. Why? Because then the person who was hurt can have my words to read again when they need a reminder that I want to do better in our relationship. It’s a way for them to have my accountability right in the palm of their hand, which is the real gift.
Give an Apology Card
You could text someone and have it stay lost in their inbox forever, or you could show them they matter to you by thoughtfully picking out an apology card.
A good apology card mirrors your actual feelings, doesn’t make light of their feelings, and gives you room for a small heartfelt message to help personalize your card. It’s basically a mini apology letter with a picture.
WLM PICK: If you’re struggling to find a good apology card, here’s one I’d personally choose: WLM Apology Card
Give Flowers
When you need a symbolic gesture, flowers are the clear winner.
But should you just get a bouquet of roses and call it a day? Nope. Your bouquet should be unique to the person receiving it.
You’re not going to get roses for a lady who hates them, and you’re not going to get a wildflower bouquet for a girl who loves peonies. The perfect arrangement is one that will make the person smile every time they see it.
It’s a collection of what they love, and that can include their favorite flowers and colors.
And I’d like you to go one step further and ask yourself this question, “Should I get a fresh-cut flower bouquet or a live potted plant arrangement?” Your plant-loving ladies would appreciate a trip to a local nursery to pick out a plant or two.
Your relationship is just like a plant. With love and care, it will bloom. Why not give a gift that literally symbolizes that bond?
Take Them Out for Coffee
Showing someone you care about being with them can be as simple as asking them to grab a cup of coffee.
Getting this simple beverage together shows you value spending time with them in a no-pressure setting.
Plus, who doesn’t love to start their day with a cup of delicious caffeinated joy? Hell, I live off of sugary, delicious iced coffee to get me through my busy day.
You can go together and spend time in a little cafe and enjoy your time together, or you can bring them their favorite order right to their door and share a quiet moment in their home together. There is also the option to have a treat delivered through Uber Eats or DoorDash for your far-away buddies.
There is something so special about getting your favorite drink order. Why not share one with your special person?
Shameless Promo Time: You can Buy Me a Coffee ☕️ too and help support With Love, Me. Your donation helps keep WLM ad-free and pop-up free.
The Apology Mixtape
If a letter is a way to open your heart up to another person, music is how you bare your soul.
Back in the early 90s, before I had the convenience of making a playlist, I would sit by the radio in a hypervigilant effort to capture each precious note of my favorite songs to make my own custom mixtape. If you ever had the honor of making one of your own with just a radio and a blank tape, you know it was time-consuming and a labor of love. If you didn’t, trust me, it was a huge job.
Now imagine receiving a custom playlist of songs from someone who hurt your feelings. Each song showing you a little more of their soul. Each a melody of words their heart longs to say.
Choosing your own songs instead of just buying a CD makes it all about the message. It’s your own musical apology. And for the word-challenged person, music can help you express a feeling that you are having a hard time putting words to.
How to Pick the Perfect Songs for Your Apology Playlist
- Find songs that say what it’s hard for your heart to say out loud.
- Always listen to the entire song before adding it to your playlist. There’s nothing worse than adding a song you think is okay, then later finding it missed the point entirely after it’s too late.
- Don’t always pick overly romantic songs. For your romantic partner, it’s fine, but you don’t want to woo your bestie when you’re just trying to say sorry. Stick to the message you want to say.
- If they have a favorite apology song, include it with a little wink or message from you saying “I know you love this one.”
- Check out other playlists for ideas. There are some great songs out there in many genres. Even if a genre isn’t your favorite, the song might be perfect for your playlist.
- Don’t get stuck just saying ”I’m sorry.” There is a whole world of songs about sticking together with family, friends, and romantic partners. There are songs about accountability, about not making the same mistakes again, and about finding each other again.
Thankfully now, creating a custom playlist is easier than what I had to go through in my childhood. Instead of the mixtape, you can create a Spotify playlist.
If you’re stuck for ideas, I made an I’m Sorry playlist with my favorite apology songs that spans several genres, covers several relationship types, and says a few different messages.
A Good Apology Is More than “I’m Sorry”
A good apology isn’t for us. It’s because we hurt someone we care about. It’s to show that person we are willing to do the work to repair our relationship.
But an apology isn’t only what we say. It’s in our actions too. Do you want to be remembered as someone who is all talk and no substance? No. I didn’t think so.
When you take accountability for your own actions without shifting focus, the other person can see that you know why your actions hurt them instead of being focused on who or what is to blame for the argument. When you can say, “Yes, I did that and I shouldn’t have,” your apology will feel more sincere.
A sincere apology tells the person that you value fixing the relationship over being right. Even an imperfect apology that focuses on how you can change your own behavior in the future is already better than an insincere apology.
And while it’s nice, you don’t need a perfect speech or a perfect gift to tell someone you’re sorry. The real gift is saying what you mean and altering your behavior to prove it.
How to apologize to someone you love isn’t always easy, but learning how is an important part of building healthy relationships. You just have to be brave enough to take accountability for your actions.
This was a great read and awesome tips on how to better communicate. I will definitely start utilizing some of these ideas. Thank you!
This was such a lovely read. Thank you so much for sharing. These are such practical and meaningful ways to show genuine remorse and make an apology truly count. A wonderful reminder that words are important, but actions matter too.
Apologizing seems to be difficult for so many people, let alone a proper apology. What resonated with me the most in this blog post was changing your behaviour after you’ve apologized. To me, this is a sign of a true apology. Great post!!